The Clocks Go Back
Tonight the clocks go back an hour.
Tomorrow on 25 October, it will be two whole years since that magical day of Ben’s stem cell transplant; the day we all hoped would mean a long and happy life ahead for our son and brother.
We are so grateful for Ben’s unrelated donor. She gave Ben a second chance at life and afforded us all ten extra months with him, which we wouldn’t have had without her courage and determination to step up and help.
It is hard to pass by or sit in Ben’s empty room now; full to the brim with Lego, read and unread books, signed gifts from celebrities and goodies from his Make A Wish. Well, it’s hard to sit in there, but I still do some days, to chat about things; tell him how much I miss him. Some days, it’s easy to imagine him still there on his 3DS, especially when Roobarb the cat is there, snuggled up on his blanket on top of his duvet. Roobarb would spend a lot of time in Ben’s bedroom, just being beside him and even now, sometimes I feel he is just lying in his energy, hoping for him to come along and just lean down and give him a cuddle.
The girls adore the animals, just as much as Ben did and the cats and dogs are never far from a cuddle, but they all notice the absence of one particular energy, as we all do.
Tonight the time falls back. Just an hour. Oh for a couple of years at least; just to have the time again, to pay more attention, to love a little more. Just to be able to look my son in the eyes and tell him again how much I love him.
The children have always known and I continue to tell my girls every day, too, that I love them. Sometimes it’s too much for them, as they are growing up, wanting their independence and not their over-emotional mum! Still, knowing I have said it, gives me peace in that knowledge; the knowledge that they know that no matter what in life, their mum - and dad - love them.
Ben used to laugh at me when I said ‘Do you know how much I love you?’ We would always express that it was to the moon, beyond, round the universe including all the planets and stars, infinity times infinity times …’ and sometimes we’d add on ‘No return!’ Then we’d have the debate about the fact that you can’t times infinity by infinity, as the number is infinite anyway!
That all started from Buzz Lightyear’s ‘To Infinity and Beyond!’ Toy Story 4 was the very last film we saw as a family of five in the summer of 2019 and Ben said I was allowed to cry through that one. I did. It was as if somewhere he knew and after that he told me he’d look down on all the statues I build for him.
It’s funny what sticks. Today I was thinking about his last day on the planet and how it all played out and all I could think about was how much I wish we had had more time. Those twelve years went by in a flash.
Time is so precious. We can’t go back in time, as much as we’d love to … like in the Richard Curtis film, About Time, to do things again, perhaps in a better way. It doesn’t happen in this world and it’s hard to watch a child leave the earth, but every time I feel sad, I also remind myself what a privilege it is to be Ben’s mum; to be Ella and Rose’s mum. They picked me. My goodness, I am so blessed.
So, when the clocks go back tonight, think about all the things that you can do to make a difference in someone’s life for the better; right now.
Make a phone call, send an email, or better still, take the time to write a handwritten letter, reconnect. Tell them you love them. Don’t wait. It’s hard to say ‘I love you’ to the sky or to a quiet room, just hoping they can hear. I say it anyway, because I believe somewhere he does hear and I hope he carries that love now wherever he is.
Ben and Roobarb