Sibling Support and Kindness
Nothing prepares you for cancer and nothing prepares you for the effect it has on your life, your heart, your emotions; each other over weeks, months, years beyond treatment and into heartbreak of sometimes losing the ones you love to a disease that has no care for those lives it touches.
As a mum of three and bereaved mum to one, I see the pain and the strength in both my living children; my two daughters. They are so young and have been through so much already and sometimes every day is overwhelmingly difficult for a myriad of reasons. Other days, life might seem a little more manageable.
Every one of us copes with trauma in a unique way that is right for us as we move through the most unimaginable set of circumstances. There is no manual as a parent for how to support your children left behind when their sibling dies and although there are a number of incredible charities, The Rainbow Trust, Winston’s Wish, Reuben’s Retreat to name a few; ultimately, the responsibility of caring and supporting your children, lies with you as their parent and themselves and each other.
Losing a child is the most heartbreaking and isolating experience in life. All your dreams for them, for the child you bore from your womb, the baby who grew inside you and gave you two hearts for a time, come crashing to a disappointing halt. The life you had disintegrates in a moment. Their heart beat stops and yours continues. The silence left behind when a child leaves this earth and your life for the rest of yours, is deafening and the emotion of it all, utterly devastating.
You manage because you have to and yes, for me, my thoughts have swayed and undulated haphazardly between holding on to what was and what now is. I find myself drifting in and out of memories, listening for the laughter of my son in the voices of my daughters and I am so grateful that they are all so similar in some ways, as it brings me great comfort and in the stillness of grief, a closeness to my son even if he can’t physically be with us.
The hardest part of this journey at the moment for all of us, is just existing and the important thing is being there for our living children. It’s not that we are leaving Ben behind, but when things are difficult, I know he would much rather I spent my hours supporting his sisters, than feeling sad about his leaving us.
I know from my own experience, that I am an emotional soul, who expresses her feelings openly. I’m a wear your heart on your sleeve, glass half full girl. Not everyone is the same. Our children deal with loss in different ways and while I like to talk about things, that is not always the same for my girls and trying to ensure they are managing, is hard.
Keeping all lines of communication open is crucial and allowing self-expression through creativity, be it art, music, writing, baking, sewing, painting, singing and exercise in all its forms … it all helps to allow the feelings of positive and negative energy to flow freely from the body into mother earth, leaving the mind calmer and a little more in balance.
Siblings argue and have a rivalry between them that can drive a parent to distraction; it’s something I long for as I sit here writing this now. The arguments, the shouting, the incessant giggling and slamming doors, the madness of running in and out of the house, a home alive with energy and love. It’s still there; it’s just incredibly different now. A family in grief is one whose equilibrium has been irrevocably altered and the path ahead is a new one, with a new dynamic. Some days are heartbreaking and the tears flow; other days, there is laughter.
The point here is that however hard it is for everyone, especially the siblings, who have lost part of their tribe. Their soul mate, their confidante, their best friend and worst enemy; their brother or sister. Love is the key here. Stand firm and do not waiver. There may not be a manual for all this, but the foundations need to stay strong and rooted to the ground, never faltering, so your children can rest assured that you will always be there, no matter what and that is invaluable.
We carry our son, as our daughters carry their brother, in our hearts and welcome the support from others in the way of friendships, connections, counselling and compassion.
Never underestimate the value of a kind word. It goes a long way and though we may not be in a position to respond, it never falls on deaf ears.
For further help with sibling support, please try any of the following links:
West Wittering 2017