Grief

 

Grief stands in her corner

Mirroring my every move

Like a shadow

And a fear

Advancing at first

With a menacing forboding

And I cower

As she draws ever near

 

She’ll scream at me

And bury her head into my shoulder

She’ll cry into the silence

Of you never growing older

And I’ll run for a while

Trying to shake her aside

And she’ll watch me

And keep to my stride

 

She’ll be unforgiving

And try to break my spirit

She’ll whisper in my anguish

Knowing I’ll always hear it

Then she’ll hold me in her arms

As I held you in mine

For Grief is Love

And Love stays beyond all time

Ginny Walker, 7 October 2020

Acceptance

Shut me away;

Invisible to the world

and let me be engulfed

by the tidal wave

of all that shall never live.

All my dreams, for you; for us

and instead, let me be swallowed

and deafened by the silence

of all that remains.

The shattered hope

that lies in the grass

beneath my feet;

that twists and cuts into

every step as I try to move forward.

I can’t move forward.

I watch time alter the faces

of those I love;

a measure of the distance

between you and I

and I close my eyes to imagine

life without a ticking clock

and all that time has taken.

I watch the leaves

as they change colour and the nights

as they draw in.

I miss you.

I miss the sound of your voice;

high pitched and laughing,

like a song within my broken heart.

Like an echo of a memory

that used to be all that we were;

and yet I do hear your familiar tones

within the soul of another.

I see your eyes and your smile

when I am caught unawares.

The very life I seek

that is so unique,

lies hidden within the beating hearts

of the siblings you left behind;

a legacy of love,

a gift from far beyond

the adventures you now undertake alone.

As I stand here,

rooted to the ground

and you fly free in the skies

to which you leapt.

As I hold my breath;

stifled by grief until I fall into acceptance.

I know I shall never forget

the life we shared and a life you loved.

I held you as you

held my gaze;

not wanting you to be alone

Or afraid

I watched you leave

As your heart beat its last

And stepped out of your existence

Into the universe.

And now I hold onto your siblings

with a coat of armour;

an invisible cloak

of protection.

Surrounding them in light;

light from a love

I hold for you all.

Like stardust

and comets,

the moon

and the sun

and I thank God for our lives

as a family of five

and all of our life

yet to come.

Ginny Walker, 9 October 2020

The veil

The way you looked at me

The way you held my gaze

The sunlight in the room

Now lights the hardest days

 

I massaged both your feet

Because you asked me to

A privilege my sweet

And the least a mother could do

 

I want to keep you here

Between the pages of

Our book of memories

The pages of the life we loved

 

I hope that Heaven’s bright

Shining with your ideas

I’ll build your statues here

To fill these different years

 

I’ll hold your sisters tight

Protect them with my heart

We’ll live for all of us

In this strange new life apart

 

I promise that your name

I will speak every day

My images of you

The laughter and the tears will stay

 

Until my dying breath

Your laughter echoing

Within your sisters’ voices

A song my heart will always sing

 

The feeling of your skin

Your tiny hand in mine

The veil is paper thin

And love can stand the test of time

 

Ginny Walker, 21 October 2020

 

Grieving

Go gently in these coming days

But steady your sails

Don’t hide from the wreckage

Or fall from the rails

Let the fear come abounding

Hold onto its gaze

Don’t loosen your grip

Or shield from the blaze

Step out in the darkness

Let reality come

Don’t shelter, a coward

When a warrior’s born

Be fierce in its presence

But hold inner peace

Scream out to the ether

Cry tears of release

Hold fast and keep standing

As you falter within

But gather your army

Don’t let anger win

Be fearless in living

Breathe life into life

Don’t fade like a memory

Let brightness reside

Let laughter be freedom

Let adventure return

Be bold and stay driven

There are lessons to learn

Forgiveness is kindness

While guilt slows the blood

And age, the ship sinking

When grief is the flood

Face death like a monk

In a zen meditation

On a path still connected

By communication

Hold steady, stay anchored

Speak blessings, not fear

Keep your eyes and heart open

Through your life, for I’m here


By Ginny Walker, 6 March 2021

 
 

The tide

 

Staring at the empty page;

wondering where all the time went

All that we were going to do

fell by the wayside

In a moment of transition,

like the flick of a switch

The rug was pulled

from underneath us

and no amount of tears

could change the tide

 

Ginny Walker, 7 October 2020

Love

My symphony

Exquisite masterpiece

All three

Music in my life

And colour by my side

Beauty

Magical notes

Blending through my days

Bleeding through my veins

Weaving in

My heart a tapestry

Of memories

Of all that once was

All that is

A dream of laughter

Of lives lived

You have left footprints

In the sand

I will always hold your hand

You will always hold my heart

We will walk the stars

My love

Every moment

Will once again be ours

A story of laughing

And laughing for hours

We will reflect the light

We will sing to the moon

We will dance in the sun

We’ll be together

One day soon

And will live again

A family of five

Until then, your gift

A beautiful life

Of love

Of hope

Of grief

Of hope

Of love

 

By Ginny Walker, 22 February 2020

Your Window

Every day when I wander out to the front of our home

Cold hands wrapped around the dogs’ leads

Watching the sky for a message in the clouds

Feeling alone

Wondering where you are and if you can see me?

I glance up to your window and blow a kiss

Pretending that the sky’s reflections

Are your shadow

I stand, waiting patiently for a moment

Just in case it’s all a dream

And my heart sinks into my shoes

As I heave a sigh

And when I return from the woods

The dogs, happy and tails wagging

I blow a kiss and say, ‘love you, Ben’

Before heading inside

These tiny aspects of daily life and routine

I keep, gentle reminders to include you

In my routine, for you are still my son

Though you have died

And in all the heartache of daily life

In all the corners of my dreams

My three children are still together

Forever our family of five

By Ginny Walker, 8 January 2021

The Heartbreak of Child Loss

And it comes in like a tidal wave

To crash upon my empty shores

To overwhelm my aching heart

And open up the scars

I fall through skies and galaxies

And smash into tiny pieces

Glittering as I fall apart

A cascade of little stars

By Ginny Walker, 19 Jan 2021

Homesick

 

The light pours into your bedroom

And echoes round the walls

The glimmers and reflections

Likes dreams of waterfalls

 

The light cascades like my emotion

As I sit alone on your bed

A million conversations

Dance like ghosts around my head

 

The familiar ache within me

Like loneliness and regret

A wish for another lifetime

Just one more moment so I don’t forget

 

This constant fever in my belly

A malaise within my soul

A feeling of longing and feeling homesick

For the child I can’t let go

 

I don’t know how to live my life

With this gentle undulation

Of pain and disbelief that steals my faith

With no chance of restoration

 

So, I throw myself in this sickness

From hope and strength to hopeless

And wash up on the shores of nowhere

Broken by crushing waves of child loss

 

I’m homesick for a home I used to have

But I no longer know where it is

I hold my living children in my arms

And remind myself you lived

 

By Ginny Walker, 24 January 2021

Breathe Again

Heart beating too fast

Thoughts running wild

Nothing makes sense to me

Now I’ve lost my child

My mind remains vacant

Words garbled when I speak

The landscape is scary

And lonely and bleak

My breath is now shallow

Or pained in my chest

My sleep, always broken

I’m tired, but can’t rest

My world is now altered

Holding everyone tight

The life I thought we’d have

Fades into the night

Behold this duality

I just can’t believe

Eyes open, heart broken

Each moment I grieve

Irrational and crying

Thoughts all awry

Cognitive function

Waving goodbye

Vacantly staring

Can’t form the words

I long to be flying

Somewhere with the birds

To be free with the skies

And free from the pain

I look at my children

Feet on the ground

Breathe again

By Ginny Walker, 9 March 2021

The Universe To Me

Sweetheart

Don’t fear

Let go now

It’s okay

I’m here

 

Deep breath

Soft gaze

Bright light

To steal you

Gently away

 

Go softly my boy

As you open your wings

I’m holding you tight

Now you’re free

From this earthy plane

 

So fly, fly free

Be all you’re meant to be

And know you’re the universe

To me

 

My heart

My love

You’re the world

I’m dreaming

Of

 

I wish

You’d stay

But the

Stars will burn

Brighter today

 

Go softly my boy

As you open your wings

I’m holding you tight

Now you’re free

From this earthy plane

 

So fly, fly free

Be all you’re meant to be

And know you’re the universe

To me

By Ginny Walker, 14 February 2021

 
 

Gold Heart

In the wilds of the days

In the long, lonely hours

I will float and flutter

Like the leaves in the air

I will rest easy in the views

I will be held in your heart

And reflected in sunlight

In the words that you share

Oh, your heart, it is gold

And your love, like the sun

It guides and encapsulates

All, as if one

It nurtures with gentleness

Compassion and grace

Gives hope to all others

Who feel out of place

Feel shaken and broken

By the loss that they feel

Astounded by heartbreak

And all that's now real

Yet somehow they gather

They follow and heal

You reach out to support

And slowly reveal

A courage they can learn from

A strength they can know

A truth they'll believe in

From which, they can grow

The path can be lonely

It can be hard to cope

So lead with your gold heart

And give people hope

By Ginny Walker, 8 May 2021

Butterflies

When the crackle of energy

In the air ascended

Into the blue grey of the day

And the bladed giant lifted empty

High above the clouds

I stroked your feet

Kissed your eyes and your cheeks

For the last time

Asked you to send me a rainbow

Promised you we would be fine

Driving away from the house

A day after we gathered for you

Hoping you were somehow

Still sitting in the back seat

Instead of somewhere new

Then I notice your name

Out the window

And it's everywhere

And on arriving at a place to hide

I see your year of birth

And a million butterflies

So, we head inside

And I feel you all around

I see every sign

By Ginny Walker, 6 March 2021

A Poem About Cancer

 

We come into this world, invincible

Every one of us humans, we’re full of potential

We dream and inspire

We make waves and create fires

We imagine the wonder and look for the joy

The eyes of the hopeful within each girl and boy

No prejudice or heartache

No fever or pain

No death to make us fearful

Our rights are the same

So, we grow; and we notice differences

We learn that freedom is sometimes earned

We arrive at school with ideas

But are thrust different subjects to learn

Our imagination reaches out for someone to listen

Our sparkles of light float into the ether and glisten

And sometimes those sparkles are noticed

And sometimes they just fall to the ground

Walked over by heavy weight shoes of society

Never again to be found

We, some of us will find our way into academic lives

Some of us, creatives, or stay at home mothers

Sometimes husbands and wives

We will strive to be the best when our pathway is clear

Yet some of us will find routes to loneliness and illness

With the crushing disappointment of loss, always near

Some of us will lose loved ones and be unable to make it

While others will strive to get through life and not break it

We’ll hold our babies tighter than ever before

So that cancer can’t take hold, can’t find us anymore

I hear my son at the time saying about his life

‘Mum, I want to live it’

And me in my mortal insignificance

Helpless and unable to give it

Some of us will find courage beyond all that we believed

Some of us will slip through the gaps and hope to be saved

Life will throw curved balls and trauma and beauty

Our experiences in this existence are better for life’s fragility

If we could just listen; be heard and be seen

If cancer was researched more; and more funds were given

To the alternatives for children, to create better outcomes

To allow better chances for all of the children, the daughters and sons

To go back to our blueprints where our chances were equal

I’d love to go back and rewrite the sequel

A life where our family got to stay a five

To have my children living together;

a full, happy and healthy life

 

By Ginny Walker, 5 September 2021