Wellbeing in Grief

Nutrition

Let me just say here that I am not a cook and I don’t pertain to be one, but what I realised very swiftly is that once I’d not eaten for weeks and then not eaten properly for months on end, I’d seen my weight disappear and my skin begin to look gaunt.

Grief certainly feels as if it ages you. It brings with it its own anxieties and concerns; things that you might never have thought about before, suddenly come to the forefront of your mind at the drop of a hat and stay with you for the foreseeable. My hair is infinitely more grey since Ben’s diagnosis and when he died, well, it seemed that the future crashed into the present and disappeared, leaving the scars of all that could have been, etched on my face, along with all of the beautiful life that we had as a family of five.

The darkness under my eyes from loss of sleep and then over-eating everything loaded in sugar or fat in the cupboards; biscuits and crisps, dried cereal, raisins and peanuts, all eaten at the wrong times in the day. Bucket loads of chocolate, huge Dairy Milk bars that my husband would just buy and store in the fridge, just in case, for the following couple of months, then made me feel sluggish and ever more exhausted.

I realised in the lead up to Christmas that I wanted to really look after myself. As I look at my two living children, my girls and remember my beautiful son, Ben, I know that it’s crucial for me to be the best mum I can be, still, for all three of my children. I have realised so much in such a short space of time. Ben would expect me to keep going, to live life to the full and to live with dignity and by example for his sisters, without a doubt, or I will be in trouble!

In January 2020, I decided to try Veganuary. It wasn’t too big a step from being a pescatarian, so I just dropped the fish and decided to up the lentils. I’m not vegan by any stretch and you have to eat what’s right for you, not what anyone else tells you that you should. These are simply ideas that have worked for me.

I think about food and the goodness I know it’s important to put into my body. I know that grief is something that will be with me every day for the rest of my life. Some people tell you it changes over time, but it’s early days and I don’t know that yet, so all I can tell you is that finding the strength to feed yourself well, is vital in these days, weeks and months following the loss of a loved one; for us, the loss of our son and brother.

Some days it’s important to just eat what you fancy. As long as you’re eating something, it’s a good thing. You might simply feel that breakfast some days should be forgotten about or consist of something chocolatey or laden in sugar, but at some point, eating too much of the wrong foods in grief will make you feel sluggish and on occasion, more emotional, which could lead to imbalances in the body.

After starting my Ayurveda course, I have found a good breakfast of porridge, cinnamon, nutmeg, fruit and honey is something that I really enjoy, especially through these colder months.

Lately, I’ve really been enjoying a particular mix of vegetables, which I have with vegetarian sausages, on a bed of rice, with avocado and rocket salad.

My lovely sister, for years, has tried to get me to eat more lentils and avocado, neither of which I thought I was that keen on. However, I found myself throwing everything I could find in the fridge into the saucepan one day recently, based on some of the meals she has lovingly made me on my visits to her flat and now, when I feel low and out of balance, I find this sort of goodness feeds my body and ultimately, nourishes me and although it doesn’t change anything, I do know that Ben would rather I was trying to look after myself, than not.

You could try this, which will make a batch of goodness for a few days:

Nourishing Vegetable Mix

one onion, chopped;

one pepper, chopped;

one sweet potato, chopped;

one to two carrots, chopped;

a couple of handfuls kale and / or spinach

kallo stock cubes in water

a tin of tomatoes;

a tin of chickpeas;

a tin of butterbeans;

a tin of green lentils.

You can mix and match, add some courgettes, some celery, any other vegetables you like, really. I also add turmeric, moringa and black pepper to flavour. This mix with the sausages on rice, is really filling and nutritional and lovely on a winter’s evening.

In addition to creating a cosy dish to nourish, I ended up trying to start growing my own avocado plants, too, which have all failed miserably! However, my husband managed to create a small veg patch in the garden, which this year saw sweetcorn, rhubarb, carrots, runner beans, peas and kale flourishing!

A soup I love to create, too is another of my sister’s specials and that’s a leek and pea soup and it is literally as it sounds:

Leek and Pea Soup

a couple of leeks;

a good helping of frozen peas;

a couple of kallo stock cubes

a pint or so of water.

I boil this all up together and sometimes add in some kale, then turmeric and pepper to zip it up a bit.

Once it’s cool, it can be stored in the fridge, or blended up in a Nutri-bullet and heated up ready to eat, with a lovely thick piece of brown seeded bread.

Smoothies and Cosy Drinks

When I am in the right frame of mind and feel less exhausted, I find myself making my own smoothies or juices. You can follow a range of easy recipes which you can find online or in many books.

One smoothie that I love, I put together myself. It consists of frozen mango, pineapple and raspberries, with kale. I then add ashwaghandha powder, spirulina, flaxseed and milled raspberries and it is honestly delicious!

We have a wonderful place close to where we live, called The Apothecary, where they offer beautifully balanced and healthy smoothies and nutritious foods, which I will treat myself to on the odd occasion. I usually ask my husband to pick me up a smoothie if he happens to be in town, as he tends to manage town and shops better than I do, most of the time. Not always.

Early on, I would recommend you ask others to shop for you, whatever it is you need, or arrange things to be delivered to your home. It saves on energy. It’s surprising how difficult and emotionally draining the simple act of shopping for food and drink might be. It’s those normal daily activities that can sometimes take your breath away without warning, because so many of us take those things for granted.

I always thought we’d be a family of five, always. I never had any reason to doubt that and then cancer came along and changed us on an almost molecular level.

Everything has changed.

Being gentle on yourself every day is something you can do for yourself and for the times when you know you might not be able to handle things, don’t be afraid to ask for help, so that you don’t need to put yourself in that situation, whatever it might be.