Finding Purpose in Grief

I’m writing this today, knowing how incredibly hard it is for many of us who have lost children; knowing what that actually feels like and feeling the fear, the worries, the intense grip of heartbreak when it stops you in your tracks.

Some days, it is hard to feel useful, or valued and it’s not because of a lack of love surrounding you, but because grief can be incredibly lonely and isolating and at the end of the day, it’s you; your mindset; your self-worth and your determination that will make the difference between getting out of bed every day for your children or just for yourself, for your family and not.

As a creative, I have found great solitude and balance in writing and creating ideas, carrying them forward, in my own tiny way; trying to make a difference for myself, my daughters, my husband and those who also find themselves walking this extraordinary path.

A while ago when I started my Podcast, Family of Five, I found it to be a cathartic way of expressing my emotions as they bubbled to the surface and I began to speak from the heart about the reality of losing Ben.

What I was very conscious of, while Ben was still with us, was that I thought I might need to speak with other families to discuss what grief might feel like, so I could speak with integrity. What I didn’t realise was that I was going to be able to do just that in the months to come, as Ben’s relapse hit his body at speed and we realised in the days and weeks that followed, that hope was fading at a rate we were unable to cope with, for his recovery.

To become bereaved and try and stay present, be in the world and find purpose is a bit of a daily decision from the heart.

What has helped me, (even though I have still to get back to doing my Podcast - next episode will appear like magic in the next few days) is that I have received a number of wonderful messages of support and gratitude for creating that Podcast; for simply laughing and crying in the moment, taking other bereaved parents through the many thoughts we all have and finding a way through somehow.

I cannot fail to mention the rest of the world at the moment, as we, humanity live through a pandemic and also, hopefully, great change.

I was listening to Vice President Elect, Kamala Harris and President Elect, Joe Biden at 1.30 am this morning and was moved by their rousing speeches of hope, integrity, unity and truth. When I think about other souls, who are bereaved, both of these individuals in their own way and Joe Biden, a bereaved parent and I think about the drive it takes for any bereaved parent to just get up and start the day and I feel a real sense of positivity and courage.

Finding purpose in your life after losing a child, is something that brings calm, clarity and reassurance, to know that even when your heart might be saying ‘what’s the point?’ … There is EVERY point to get up.

I think about how Ben might be now, as a teenager and I feel he would be so disappointed and angry with me if I didn’t try. As a mum, I’ve always supported my three children in the avenues and passions they’ve been interested in. I believe very much we can be the master of our own destiny, while acting with kindness and in humble voices to achieve all we hope for.

Ben was a pickle; loved to make you laugh and would always interject if he thought anything was unjust. He loved his sisters with a passion and bickered with them, too, to the enth degree, but ultimately, he loved to just have fun and my girls need to have fun, as do I. As do we all.

It’s not easy. It was never meant to be easy and it is not ever meant to be fixed. The funny thing about grief and life, is that they are both meant to be lived. Lived, loved, experienced, endured, danced in, because it’s what honestly makes us human beings and makes life something that we can really feel and perhaps in grief, experience even more greatly on a level that only someone who has held their child as they have taken their first and last breath in the world, could possibly do? Maybe that is what life is about? That and the knowledge that even when we feel the distance is growing in time and memories, separating us from the person whose life on this earth has ended, the love we have and the connection we have is so strong that the reality is there is no separation, physical or otherwise. Our children we have are our children always and they exist. They made and all continue to make an impact, because, after all, they are our life and somehow, continue to be our purpose for living.

There are ways and means, there is hope … always … even when it feels lost. I know how that feels and all I can offer is a shoulder, an ear, a whisper of a supportive voice that I hope you feel you can rely on and the knowledge that doing something practical; whether in distraction or with courage and determination; it will all help.

Grief is like waves on a beach; the emotion flows back and forth, undulating and knocking you off balance every so often. Some days, you walk along the sand and take in the beautiful view and other times, you wade into the water, facing the great tidal wave of acceptance.

Find your purpose; know your strengths. You matter; you are worthy and a jewel of light in the world. Your darling child(ren) will always be with you. Always; whatever your faith or belief and they will be cheering you on from the wings, so don’t give up. Ever.

Sending out love and light to you all xxxxx

West Wittering