‘Everything Is Wonderful’
It’s almost a response to memory within the body; whether it’s a time of year, a season change; a feeling or sense about something. Sometimes, the body, the soul remembers and sends you a message, a feeling in the heart to remind you of that memory and whether your heart breaks or spills over, it will usually be with love.
I remember important dates in my life, just as much as the next person and then I remember the dates of when I realised I was expecting my children. I remember the moment my hubby and I found out we were expecting our first baby and where I was stood. I remember him having to check the instructions for the pregnancy test, because even though I felt different, we just wanted to be certain. It was a bright and sunny day and the moment was understated, private, yet magical!
When my youngest was making her presence known, I remember thinking, ‘well, I feel pregnant, but the test result was very faint. When I brought it out into the kitchen to examine it further on that day, the song, ‘Mary’s Prayer’ by Danny Wilson played on the radio. It’s a song that plays a lot and after my Nana died when I was twelve, any time anything good, positive, exciting or poignant has occurred in my life, that song has been right there and so I paid attention and took it as a good sign and recall the moment my husband asked me if we needed a bigger car and I’d said yes. When he got home, he came into the kitchen and span me round!
Yesterday, I was feeling nostalgic and remember it was the day in 2006 when I told my husband I was going to take a test, as I felt pregnant. He had rolled his eyes at my impatience and excitement and suggested I wait a few more days, as he didn’t want me to be disappointed. So, obviously, I took my eldest into town in the buggy and found out the same afternoon! I remember the moment I told my hubby and the look of delight on his face.
Dates, memories, they stay with you and become the fabric of the story of your life, your existence and these moments are what make your life so beautiful.
Having children is such a blessing and a privilege and losing them; losing that sparkle, that future, that hope for all that’s to come, is devastating beyond words. It’s never something in your mind or outlook when you are holding your baby in your arms for the first time, gazing at them with eternal love. Yet, for some of us, losing a child becomes the most unimaginable reality and then those memories, those dates, the imprint of love that those human beings have given you, become the most precious thing in the world to you. And those human beings, your living children, still here, allow you to love even more, express joy even more, hold on to the special memories even more, because you know what it means to experience the alternative.
As hard as losing a child is, I love it when I have those memories, those feelings about dates, times, moments. It reminds me that I have three children. Always. It reminds me that my connection to my children, all three of them, will always be there and it reminds me that it’s ok to treasure those moments when they come; all the old ones and even the new ones, because, Ben will always be a part of those moments, just in a different way.
I think of my Nana when ‘Mary’s Prayer’ comes on the radio and I honestly feel she is watching over me and all of my children, too.
‘Everything is wonderful; being here is Heavenly’
‘Mary’s Prayer,’ Danny Wilson
Kirstie Rowson, Illustrator - my sister’s illustrated framed Danny Wilson lyric