Signs

There’s something magical, isn’t there, about belief and what might happen after you die. It’s the unknown; the one big question we will never really be able to answer until the day we take our own last breath and it’s very personal to each and every one of us.

I am very open to the possibility of something more than all we see. I am a Lightworker, an alternative healer and have always been drawn to Angels and their light. I love to read Angel cards for others, something I haven’t done for a while, but it gives me such pleasure when I connect with light energy.

When Ben was little, he asked me about the tiny lights, like bumble bees of black and gold he could see around people and I smiled because I see sparkles of light round people, too and sometimes out the corner of my eye; usually blue, green or purple. He never worried about it and neither did I.

As he grew older, Ben felt he was of a more scientific mind and he questioned everything. He could see me doing Angelic Reiki and working with chakras and meditation and mediumship on occasion and he was never really bothered by it, but would always question. His feeling right up until the last few days of his life, was that he was an Atheist and I would joke that he was still half me, so that made him spiritual, too.

We had learned all about different types of religion through home education and this is what had sparked his curiosity. However, just before he was diagnosed, he asked me if I believed in reincarnation and said he thought he might believe in it, but didn’t think it was infinite. He was ten years old at the time and that was a very big thing to be thinking about.

We live in an old house, a house which is over a century old and which, over the years, I know I have felt the energy in here and so have the children. Sometimes we’ve laughed about it all and other times, it’s been a tad frustrating. My youngest and Ben have both seen energy here, too and were never fussed about it, although I was made to head straight upstairs to ‘check.’ One time, Ben shouted at the person (he thought it was me!) who was typing loudly in ‘Dad’s study’ and told them to be quiet and when I said no-one was in there, as I had been downstairs, he simply said out loud again that they needed to be quiet as he was trying to concentrate on building his Lego!

Signs give me comfort, although for others, I realise this can be unsettling. It has been long thought that robins and other birds might be the spirit of a loved one passed, but after Ben died, there have been some rather interesting and timely happenings, which one can only assume is Ben communicating to us from where he is in some way to brighten our day or just to let us know he isn’t that far from us at all.

After all, when we watched the ‘Ghosts’ programme by the Horrible Histories team, Ben did always state that if he ever left the planet, he would definitely come back and haunt me! It’s something I count on, as he was always a bit of a prankster and would relish in making me jump, while he giggled incessantly behind me as he tiptoed up to land his hands heavily on my shoulders!

Whatever you imagine to be fact or fiction, I remember a time when Ben started talking about what he would wish for if he ever had a Make A Wish … just a couple of weeks before he was actually diagnosed with Lyme Disease and Acute Myeloid Leukaemia. Ben seemed to know something was afoot and I remember getting goosebumps and worrying for days after and about three weeks later, found myself filling in the form to apply for his Make A Wish. I just couldn’t believe it, but Ben took it all in his stride.

In the moments after he left us, I continued to talk with him. It was just something I felt I wanted to do and that he would expect. You can’t just cut off a conversation mid-flow and I asked him to send me a rainbow, to let me know he was ok, when he could.

The day after, my sister and I visited him and there was a beautiful rainbow, just gently beginning across the sky on the way home. It was as if he might have been having to practice to create it, but it was there and we noticed; and it brought us both great comfort.

When my father died, my sister and I witnessed a double rainbow and on the first day Ben was allowed up to the charity house from Bristol after his transplant, it happened to be my Dad’s birthday; what would have been his 70th. A rainbow appeared just before we left the hospital. You can read it as you wish, but if it brings you comfort, then it is something to believe in and be reassured by.

In the remains of the summer days, we were surrounded by an inordinate amount of butterflies and when we headed to Devon for an emotional break, immediately after his Celebration of Life, there was a cafe sign nestled into the side of the road, about a quarter of a mile from where we were staying, called ‘Ben’s Cafe.’ When we arrived at the cottage, the built date was the year of his birth and in the twin room, there were three beds. Outside the cottage, there was a beautiful buddleia, laden with painted lady butterflies, which brought much beauty and calm to a desperate situation, as we sat outside at the bench, painting rocks for our beloved boy and brother.

On our wedding anniversary, just when we were wandering around Brixham in the late afternoon, a rainbow suddenly appeared, getting stronger and stronger over the harbour and one of my Dad’s and our favourite Beatles tunes suddenly began playing in a bar nearby with the door open, ‘There Are Places I Remember…’ My husband and I stood with the girls watching the rainbow getting brighter and brighter, listening to the song, echoing like an old friend around the harbour and he looked at me and said, ‘Well, if that’s not a sign that Ben and your Dad are together, I don’t know what is.’ It was a wonderful anniversary gift that year.

In the summer days, while hubby was building the railway track in the front of the house, something he and Ben had planned to do together, he called me at one point and I headed out to see him. The next few minutes were us watching this dragonfly circle the track, dive bomb our heads and head over to Ben’s bedroom and the lounge window, before disappearing. It was such a sight to see and ended up with James and I laughing.

Signs can come when we least expect it; a song on the radio, a feather, a call from a friend discussing your loved one; an animal’s behaviour, a physical sign. Messages and signs are everywhere, if we are open to them.

Whatever comes next after this life, I will continue to look out for signs and enjoy those blessings when they come.

In the meantime, I will focus on and continue to be inspired by all three of my children, who bless me every day and look forward to the adventures to come.