Dreaming …

Over the years, I have been asked by my three bears to tell them stories about when and how their Dad and I met, when we fell in love and how they came into the world. As they’ve got older and more curious, so the conversations have got more interesting, funnier and more embarrassing!

What telling these stories has always done, is brought us all together as a family. It’s shown the children that they come from parents who love each other very, very much. That’s something I’m acutely aware of, having come from parents who were madly in love, but then divorced when my sister and I were very young.

Each of the children have their own songs which remind us of when they were born or the song was played a lot during the year. Ben’s song is ‘Dreaming’ by Blondie. I can’t tell you how embarrassed he was every time it came on the radio, knowing it was playing when he was born in the lounge of our old home. He used to give me this wry smile as I would turn it up and we’d be singing. It’s amazing how much it was played on the radio during the fourteen months he was treated and before he died. I remember hearing that song, one of my Dad’s faves and another that an uncle of mine loved - all in a row on the way to Southampton Hospital one time. I couldn’t believe it, but we all sang away.

In the last couple of months Ben was at home, he loved to look at the photos of us all and try to work out who he looked most like and he would see a look or a characteristic from when me or his Dad were younger and say, ‘Oh my goodness, I really am half and half, mum!’

In his last few days of life, he was playing a game - Tomadachi Life on his 3DS and the characters had been selected by the game and it was me and James. He was very happy and in the story, we took our vows again and everyone cheered. He said … ‘Look, mum, the object of your affection is Dad!’ He was so happy. We had been nicked named ‘Love Birds’ by the children when they were young, but I feel it really has given them all, here or in another realm, the comfort of knowing what a solid foundation their family is built on.

As a spiritual person, I believe very much in the eternal connection, even on the days when I am getting on with life and the connection feels distant. Suddenly there will be a reminder; a feather, a song, a rainbow, the sound of a laugh and it will re-establish in a moment. I’ve never had the best sleep, but emotional exhaustion allows me to rest and also disturbs my sleep patterns at the moment.

Something disturbed my sleep last night and I was awake again for a few hours. However, when I eventually drifted off again, I suddenly awoke in my dream and saw Ben standing beside the bed. I was in absolute awe. He leaned down for a cuddle and put his head to my chest and I remember putting my arms around him and ruffling his hair. I could breathe in the smell of him and it was so very real. When I woke this morning, I can honestly say I feel like he visited me. There was no need for words; he was just there for a mummy cuddle and I just felt such love.

Dreaming has always felt quite magical to me; a way for the mind to escape the reality and drift off to other realms for adventures in the subconscious. I used to have nightmares of losing my children, saving my children, not being able to save my children. These were recurring fear-based dreams, but they make more sense now than they did in years gone by.

Dreams to me feel like the portal to imagination, to memories, past lives and connections. They are a way to time-travel and navigate ideas and creativity. They are magical, leading to destinations we’ve yet to discover or re-discover and I really believe that they are a way of connecting in the spiritual, just as meditation is when you quieten the mind. That’s what is happening, the mind is quiet and the soul can be free to explore, to understand and be open to all time and all life.

I look forward to my dreams.

Looking out on.a view …