Inspiration and Isolation in Grief

I find myself inspired this evening. 

I’m inspired by so many things and so many people.

I’m inspired by creativity.

This evening, I’ve been thinking about kindness, about hope, about the environment and the Ayurvedic journey I’ve found myself on over the last few months and what a change it is gently having on my life in a very positive way.

In grief, I have found myself writing a memoir, starting another book incorporating nutrition, well-being, creativity and kindness in grief.

I’m thinking about starting a magazine and I’m overdue a podcast in my Family of Five podcast output.

During this time of isolation (further to the isolation I’ve already felt in bereavement), I’m working on the garden. I’m not a gardener, but in the sunnier climes and being confined largely to the house these days for safety and to protect others, I have found solace in creativity and calm. Gardening is certainly bringing this gift to me when I indulge myself in it.

I’m enjoying my Ayurveda journey and looking after myself. I am clearing space in the garden for a herb garden. It’s exciting and cleansing and also feels very meant to be at the moment. In grief, I am always finding ways to connect with my son.

Ben was never interested in gardening, although he loved being outside in nature and bouncing on our trampoline. As he went through his experience with cancer, he became more aware of the planet, the environment and the need to save it; the need to look after our fellow souls who share the earth, who share the world we live in and the need to be kind and look after it, the trees, the creatures, all of it.

Gardening is hard work, but I am finding that weeding, turning over the earth, pruning back the plants and allowing others to flourish, is really soothing work; soothing for my heart and my emotional well-being. I feel the gratitude of the soil, as I turn it over to make space for new plants and a sense of purpose, as I put seeds and oats on the bird table and replenish the bird bath with its water for our robins, blackbirds and other garden birds.

I’ve been wanting to make a Zen-type garden along the side of the house since we moved in nearly five years ago now and I’ve managed to start that process, covering the place where our old oil tank used to be, with slate and potted plants and my Buddha statue. My plan is to paint the wall of the house to make good and then create a mural of trees, plants, a waterfall, a magical fairy like background to it with colourful birds, butterflies and dragonflies. I am going to call it ‘The Dragonfly Garden’ in honour of the dragonflies my son sent to us in the days after his passing.

It’s a tranquil space already and I hope that once it’s finished, it will be an area I can sit beside and meditate or reflect in the summer.

The magazine idea is something, again, that I’ve toyed with over the years, but I wanted to bring it to life with purpose. I’m working on ideas and would value others’ input, particularly when it comes to stories of grief and turning to creativity for inspiration and hope, or moments of kindness that have gone on to inspire a chance of life, or life purpose and direction. It would be uplifting for sure.

I’m juggling many writing projects and ideas to help others and I hope that I can continue with that as time goes on.

My life is not how I anticipated it being, with the loss of our beautiful son, Ben. We are muddling through most days, with tears and sadness along the way. However, there are blessings and there is light some days and we look to help, to ease, to inspire, to bring hope.

Grief is love and it’s tough and unforgiving, but I know Ben is bringing blessings; it’s what I choose to believe, to feel and trust in. I believe in my children, always have and my daughters inspire me with their own courage and creativity in grief, which we, as a family all find we are drawn to, to continue living with a focus in our loss. One day, I hope this journey, our experiences, will help others.

We can all reach out and help each other. We all have something to offer and that, in itself, is inspiring.

Love to all xxx

Ben in a moment of solitude